MEMORANDUM
TO: All Research Staff, Cafeteria Personnel, and Custodial Services
FROM: Vic Titious, Director of Wild Ideas and Unsubstantiated Hypotheses
DATE: 21/05/2025
SUBJECT: Implementation of Project TOAST-FALL: Gravity as Social Anxiety
REF: GR-AVITY/37B/CRUMB-9.4
Background
Recent observations during routine tea breaks have revealed compelling evidence that gravity may not be a universal constant but rather a manifestation of cosmic social anxiety. Specifically, the well-documented phenomenon of buttered toast landing butter-side down appears to be the result of the toast experiencing embarrassment and attempting to hide its buttered face from judgment, rather than any so-called “laws of physics.”
Current Situation
Following 37 separate controlled toast-dropping experiments (documentation available in butter-stained napkin form, currently archived in my right lab coat pocket), I have developed a comprehensive theory that may fundamentally alter our understanding of gravitational constants and possibly revolutionise breakfast. Preliminary findings indicate that toast falls butter-side down at a rate of 87.3% when observed, but only 42.1% when no one is looking. This statistically significant discrepancy cannot be explained by conventional physics and clearly points to emotional factors at play.
The maintenance department has lodged a formal complaint about butter on corridor carpeting (ref: MESS-237/B), which merely underscores the urgency of our research. Additionally, we are experiencing critical shortages of both toast and encouraging vocabulary.
Required Actions
All staff are required to:
- Implement a non-judgmental attitude when in proximity to buttered toast to minimise anxiety triggers
- Participate in daily toast-confidence exercises by speaking affirmations to bread products during toasting (script provided in Appendix A)
- Set up mirrors on all dining surfaces at exactly 17.3° angles to create an infinite reflection loop, thereby confusing toast about which side is actually butter-facing
- Complete Form GT-7: “Acknowledgement of Possible Disruption to Fundamental Forces of Nature During Breakfast” before consuming any toast on premises
Timeline
This protocol must be implemented by 08:30 tomorrow morning to coincide with the peak breakfast period. If convenient, please implement these measures yesterday as well for staff in the temporal research.
Resources
- Affirmation scripts available from my office (please ignore the tea stains)
- Confidence-boosting background music compilation available from the audio-visual department (recommended: “You’re Toast-ally Awesome” and “Spread the Love”)
- Emergency biscuits are located in the third cupboard from the left in the communal kitchen (should gravitational disruption occur)
- Form GT-7 is available from the Office of Protocol Circumvention
Consequences of Non-Compliance
Failure to comply may result in increased gravitational anomalies, up to 97% butter-side-down incidents, and the possible formation of shame-based micro black holes in the kitchen area. Additionally, non-compliant staff will be limited to dry toast only for at least two weeks.
Approvals
Vic Titious (signed in butter)
Vic Titious
Director of Wild Ideas and Unsubstantiated Hypotheses
21/05/2025
CC: Department of Theoretical Biscuitology, Centre for Improbable Physics, Cafeteria Risk Assessment Team
[SECURITY CLEARANCE: MARMALADE-3]
[Version 2.1 – Previous version deleted after becoming mysteriously sticky]
Disclaimer: Any reality destabilisation, temporal anomalies, or excessive bread product self-awareness arising from this protocol are the responsibility of universal constants, not the author of this memo.