Moto: Cogito ergo PĒDITA.
Nestled within a non-Euclidean wing of our sprawling campus, the Science Division represents the empirical backbone of our theoretical nonsense production.
Founded in 2017 after a particularly productive tea break in which Professor Titious mistook his biscuit crumbs for a new model of quantum physics, F.A.R.T. S. has grown from three researchers and a borrowed kettle to a whole department with seventeen laboratories, three reality stabilisation chambers, and a modest collection of interdimensional artefacts (most acquired by accident).
Our scientists specialise in subjects mainstream academia fears to touch—quantum Biscuitology, Paradoxical Chemistry, and Statistical Anomalies in Queue Formation, to name but a few. Under Vic’s chaotic leadership, our team has published over 300 papers in journals they invented themselves.
The department proudly boasts a safety record that, according to Una Likely, “has only a 17.3% chance of causing the collapse of localised reality on any given Tuesday.”
Prospective visitors should note that lab coats, safety goggles, and dimensional anchoring devices are provided. Students are welcome, though we cannot guarantee that they’ll return to their original timeline.
Tea and biscuits are served daily at 3:47 pm precisely. Attendance is mandatory, as this is when most breakthroughs occur.
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Gravitational Emotivity: Understanding Descension Patterns of Buttered Toast
Gravitational Emotivity: A Novel Framework for Understanding Descension Patterns of Buttered Toast and Their Implications for Fundamental Universal Constants Authors Vic Titious, Director of Wild Ideas and Unsubstantiated Hypotheses, World Headquarters of Advanced Theories (WHAT!) With reluctant contributions from: Dr. Una Likely, Dr. Sue Rely, Dr. Polly Graph, et al. Abstract This groundbreaking paper presents compelling evidence that gravity, long misunderstood as a fundamental and impersonal force, may in fact be an emotionally mediated phenomenon. Through extensive observational studies of buttered toast falling patterns (n=37), we demonstrate that toast exhibits a statistically significant preference for landing butter-side down when observed…
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Quantum Biscuitology: Particle Entanglement Through Dunking
Quantum Biscuit Entanglement: A Revolutionary Approach to Cross-Dimensional Stability via Hobnob-Facilitated Particle Correlation Authors Professor Vic Titious, Director of Wild Ideas and Unsubstantiated Hypotheses, World Headquarters of Advanced Theories (WHAT!) Dr. Polly Graph, Head of Speculative Physics and Engineering, Faculty of Unproven Concepts and Knowledge (acronym pending) Dr. Una Likely, Chief Probability Analyst and Statistical Denier, World Headquarters of Advanced Theories (WHAT!) Dr. Sue Rely, Lead Chemist of Theoretically Possible Substances, School for Highly Improbable Theories (acronym pending) Dr. Nona Sence, Specialist in Biological Oddities and Evolutionary What-Ifs, School for Highly Improbable Theories (acronym pending) Abstract This paper presents groundbreaking…
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Theoretical Thermodynamics of British Weather
Predictive Meteorological Improbabilities: A Statistical Analysis of British Weather’s Personal Vendetta Authors Dr. Una Likely, Chief Probability Analyst and Statistical Denier, World Headquarters of Advanced Theories (WHAT!) Professor Vic Titious, Director of Wild Ideas and Unsubstantiated Hypotheses, World Headquarters of Advanced Theories (WHAT!) Dr. Ida Noh, Cosmic Thinker and Interdimensional Hypothesis Expert, Faculty of Unproven Concepts and Knowledge (acronym pending) Abstract This paper presents robust statistical evidence confirming what the British public has suspected for centuries: the weather possesses both consciousness and spite. Through rigorous analysis of 50 years of precipitation data correlated with human planning activities, we demonstrate a…