TO: All Research Staff, WHAT! Personnel, Faculty Members
FROM: Connie Jecture, Senior Theoretical Synthesiser and Hypothesis Wrangler
DATE: 25/08/2025
SUBJECT: Critical Updates Required for Institutional Web Presence
REF: WEB-2025-225B
Background
Following yesterday’s fascinating discussion about quantum entanglement in tea leaves (which reminds me, has anyone checked if the website exists in parallel dimensions?), it has come to my attention that our institutional website has not been updated since the Great Server Migration of March 2024.
This creates a rather curious paradox: how can we claim to be at the forefront of theoretical advancement when our digital presence suggests we’re still investigating whether biscuits have consciousness? (Though, to be fair, that research is ongoing and showing promising results.)
Current Situation
Our website currently displays:
- Vic’s preliminary notes on gravity as embarrassed light (still listed as “BREAKING NEWS”)
- The old staff photo featuring Dr. Pemberton, who achieved theoretical transcendence in 2023
- A link to Sue’s chemistry blog that now redirects to a recipe for scones
- Seventeen broken links to papers that exist only in draft form on napkins
Is our web presence suffering from the same temporal displacement affecting the office microwave?
Required Actions
All staff are required to:
- Submit current biographical information (including any recent dimensional shifts or consciousness expansions)
- Provide updated publication lists (please specify which papers exist in this reality)
- Review department descriptions for accuracy (Polly, the Physics Lab is no longer “temporarily on fire”)
- Submit high-resolution photographs taken after 2020 (group photos should include all visible incarnations)
Imagine if we approached this systematically – what fascinating patterns might emerge in how we present ourselves to the outside world?
Specific Departmental Responsibilities
Department of Theoretical Biscuitology: Please update the “Recent Breakthroughs” section. The Hobnob Incident of 2024 deserves proper documentation.
Centre for Improbable Physics: Polly, your equations are still displaying as Wingdings. This may be a font issue or evidence of mathematical sentience.
Division of Statistical Improbabilities: Una, could you calculate the probability that visitors actually read our website? This data would be invaluable for prioritising updates.
Historical Revision Unit: Fay, please verify that our “Founded in 1847” claim is historically accurate in this timeline.
Timeline
All materials must be submitted by 8th September 2025, unless a temporal anomaly requires an adjustment back to 30th June 2025. In the event of chronological displacement, please file Form TD-7 and submit materials to whatever date you find yourself in.
Resources
- Web Portal Access Codes (stored in the filing cabinet marked “Definitely Not Sentient”)
- Digital Photography Kit (check for quantum blur before use)
- Style Guide for Academic Web Presence (Chapter 12: “Making Impossible Sound Plausible”)
- Emergency IT Support (ring Extension 404 – if they answer, you’ve reached the wrong dimension)
Consequences of Non-Compliance
Failure to submit updates may result in:
- Continued temporal confusion among website visitors
- Perpetuation of the myth that we take ourselves too seriously
- Loss of digital credibility (though analogue credibility remains intact)
- Possible spontaneous generation of placeholder text
Which reminds me – has anyone investigated whether outdated websites develop their own consciousness? The homepage has been displaying the same “Welcome to WHAT!” message for 18 months now. At what point does repetition become self-awareness?
Closing Thoughts
This website update presents a unique opportunity to synthesise our various disciplines into a coherent digital presence. Could the very act of updating create new theoretical frameworks? Imagine if the website becomes a living document that evolves with our research!
I encourage everyone to approach this task with the same enthusiasm they bring to proving that Monday particles are heavier than Wednesday particles.
Approvals
[Signature: C. Jecture – in blue ink, with small doodle of interconnected circles]
Connie Jecture
Senior Theoretical Synthesiser and Hypothesis Wrangler
School for Highly Improbable Theories (acronym pending)
25/08/2025
CC: IT Support (Interdimensional Division), Website Maintenance (if conscious), The Filing Cabinet (just in case)
Security Clearance: Public (unless website achieves sentience, then upgrade to Classified)
Version History: 1.0 – Original memo, 1.1 – Added consciousness clause