Author: Una Likely
Issued by: WHAT! (World Headquarters of Advanced Theories)
Role Oversight: Una Likely, Probability & Statistics Specialist
WHAT! invites applications for six positions on its newly established Institutional Control Group.
The Group has been created following a review of recent research in which investigators were unable to determine whether unusual results were caused by the experimental treatment or by working at WHAT!.
The successful applicants will therefore be required to experience as little as possible.
Purpose of the Role
Scientific investigation frequently requires a control group whose circumstances remain unchanged while another group is subjected to an intervention.
This creates difficulties at WHAT!, where proximity to an investigation has repeatedly led to participation.
During the last three controlled studies, individuals assigned to the control group have:
- offered suggestions;
- moved equipment;
- asked what was happening;
- been included in measurements because they were already standing there;
- developed opinions.
The Probability and Statistics Office has concluded that these activities make the word ‘control’ difficult to defend.
The new Institutional Control Group will consist of individuals employed specifically to avoid becoming involved.
Principal Responsibilities
Members will be expected to:
- remain available during designated experiments without assisting with them;
- avoid touching experimental equipment, including equipment described as ‘probably safe now’;
- decline requests beginning with ‘while you’re here’;
- refrain from improving the methodology;
- avoid becoming an accidental comparison group for a different experiment;
- report any unexpected exposure to variables;
- continue behaving normally when told that normal behaviour is being observed.
No specialist scientific knowledge is required. In some circumstances, specialist scientific knowledge may be considered a disadvantage.
Essential Requirements
Applicants must demonstrate:
- a proven ability to leave things alone;
- comfort with receiving no meaningful assignment;
- resistance to curiosity;
- the ability to occupy a room without reorganising it;
- confidence in saying ‘I’m in the control group’ when approached by senior researchers.
Previous experience in local government waiting rooms, committee observation or accompanying another person to an appointment may be useful.
Working Arrangements
Control Group members will be based at WHAT! but may occasionally be stationed within the Faculty of Unproven Concepts and Knowledge or the School for Highly Improbable Theories.
A designated Control Area will be provided.
Researchers will be instructed not to conduct experiments in this area.
Researchers have also been instructed that entering the Control Area to ask whether anybody would ‘mind trying something quickly’ constitutes an experiment.
This clarification has been circulated twice.
Measurement of Performance
The Probability and Statistics Office will assess the Group quarterly.
Performance indicators will include:
- number of experiments successfully not joined;
- number of variables not encountered;
- proportion of working hours during which nothing statistically significant occurred.
An individual who produces unusually interesting results may be removed from the Group.
This should not be regarded as failure. It will, however, make continued employment in a control capacity statistically awkward.
Salary
Salary will be calculated against the institutional median and deliberately left there.
Performance-related bonuses are unavailable because improved performance would alter the conditions under which the original performance was measured.
Application Procedure
Applicants should submit a brief statement explaining their suitability.
Candidates are asked not to distinguish themselves excessively.
Shortlisting will be undertaken by random selection from applicants meeting the essential criteria. Una Likely has calculated that this is considerably fairer than several procedures currently described as merit-based. However, that finding falls outside the scope of this vacancy.
Interviews will consist principally of waiting.
Applicants who intervene when the interview panel encounters a minor administrative difficulty will be thanked and removed from consideration.
Closing date: Until a statistically adequate number of suitable applicants has been received.
Please note: Appointment to the Institutional Control Group does not guarantee that nothing will happen. It merely establishes that, where possible, nothing should happen to you first.