Foundation of Anomalous Research and Theorising (Cogito, ergo PĒDŌ)
Formally the Institute For Anomalous Research and Theorising (I.F.A.R.T.)
Introduction
Established in 1897 by the distinguished Sir Edmund Rumblebottom, our organisation began as the Institute For Anomalous Research and Theorising. Following the unfortunate demonstration before King George V in 1923 (during which several theoretical particles were unexpectedly manifested in the Royal Presence), we were granted our Royal Charter under the stipulation that we adopt a more dignified designation. Thus, the Foundation of Anomalous Research and Theorising was born.
Despite this nominal alteration, our institutional abbreviation has remained curiously consistent throughout our storied history—a fact that has caused no small amount of consternation among successive generations of our administrative staff. The Board of Trustees has vetoed seventeen separate rebranding initiatives since 1952 on the grounds of “historical significance” and “etymological continuity.”
From our modest beginnings in Sir Edmund’s garden observatory—uhm, shed—(now preserved as a Grade II listed structure) to our current facilities spanning three improbably connected Victorian buildings, the Foundation continues to pursue knowledge that exists primarily in the theoretical realm, occasionally manifesting in reality when least convenient.
Our Latin motto, “Cogito, ergo PĒDŌ,”—loosly translated as I think, therefore I FART—reflects Sir Edmund’s belief that true intellectual breakthroughs often arrive unexpectedly and with considerable social discomfort.
Today, we proudly uphold our tradition of intellectual disruption through our three primary departments and affiliated research institutions, all dedicated to the proposition that the improbable merely lacks sufficient opportunity to occur.
I.F.A.R.T. Departments
F.A.R.T. E.D. (Education Department)
Moto: Cogito ergo PEPĒDĪ.
Founded on Sir Edmund’s belief that “theoretical knowledge unshared is like a biscuit uneaten,” our Education Department disseminates our discoveries through courses, workshops, and certification programs of questionable accreditation. F.A.R.T. E.D. proudly maintains the longest-running continuous lecture series on improbable physics, despite no recorded instances of any student completing the curriculum (though several have disappeared under circumstances best described as “dimensionally ambiguous”).
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F.A.R.T. S. (Science Division)
Moto: Cogito ergo PĒDITA.
The Science Division represents the intellectual backbone of our organisation, where theories transform from wild speculation to slightly more formatted speculation. Established during the Great Reorganisation of 1924, F.A.R.T. S. is responsible for producing white papers, research briefings, and occasionally comprehensible diagrams. Our scientists specialise in converting the raw inspirations from F.A.R.T. I.N.G. into publications that maintain just enough academic formatting to be mistaken for legitimate research by distracted journal editors.
Science Articles
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F.A.R.T. I.N.G. (Ideas & Nonsense Generation)
Moto: Cogito ergo PĒDENDUM.
The creative engine of our organisation, F.A.R.T. I.N.G. operates from a converted Victorian boiler room where the boundaries between genius and nonsense remain delightfully permeable. This department generates the raw theoretical concepts that fuel our other divisions, operating under the motto “Quantity Over Sanity.” Their output consists primarily of tea-stained napkins, excited midnight recordings, and equations written in mediums ranging from chalk to marmalade.
There was talk of moving F.A.R.T. I.N.G. to one of the affiliated institutions; either the School for Highly Improbable Theories (acronym pending) or the Faculty of Unreal Concepts and Knowledge (acronym pending). However, the administrative review team complained that their work was hard enough, trying to add ING on the end of either would make it impossible.
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Affiliated Institutions
WHAT! (World Headquarters of Advanced Theories)
Our flagship theoretical centre serves as Professor Vic Titious’s primary office and houses Una Likely’s statistical improbability calculators. Established in 1976 after the unfortunate implosion of our previous headquarters (now a rather picturesque pond), WHAT! They specialise in theories so advanced that they occasionally require the invention of new mathematics to be expressed. Visitors often remark on the building’s curious architectural feature of having more rooms on the inside than appear possible from the exterior.
Faculty of Unreal Concepts and Knowledge (acronym pending)
Note: Acronym pending administrative review since 1982
This boundary-pushing research facility focuses on concepts that exist at the very edge of comprehensibility. Founded when Polly Graph, Ida Noh, and Fay Bull requisitioned their own building following “The Great Tea Trolley Incident,” the Faculty specialises in experimental apparatus that defies conventional engineering principles. The building is easily identified by its non-Euclidean geometry and the small weather system that has formed permanently above the east wing.
School for Highly Improbable Theories (acronym pending)
Note: Acronym pending administrative review since 1994
Our educational annexe serves as both a research hub and training facility for the next generation of improbable theorists. Headed by Connie Jecture with support from Sue Rely and Nona Sence, the School specialises in interdisciplinary approaches that frequently alarm specialised scientists. The facility features seventeen tea rooms (each calibrated to a specific brewing temperature) and a laboratory where biological impossibilities are routinely observed, documented, and occasionally invited to lunch.
Public-Facing Publications
Our public-facing voice—translating improbable breakthroughs into something almost believable, thoroughly tested to minimise unintended reality leaks or public confusion.
Newsletters
These are the official newsletters, valiantly attempting to translate theoretical chaos into something that won’t alarm the wider staff. Each issue features overly confident headlines, out-of-context pull quotes, and sidebars designed to reassure readers that reality remains mostly intact. Tea stains are applied manually to maintain the illusion of rigour.
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Press Releases
Our press releases are finely tuned instruments designed to share major breakthroughs without accidentally causing widespread alarm or collapsing local spacetime. Each one walks the delicate line between scientific credibility and claims so implausible that the media safely dismisses them as “quirky.” Standard disclaimers cover the usual risks: minor temporal anomalies, mild reality warping, and the occasional biscuit-related casualty.
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Recruitment
These are our recruitment materials—aimed at attracting the sort of minds either bold enough or baffled enough to sign the contract without reading the footnotes. They highlight our commitment to intellectual freedom, the occasional opportunity to travel sideways through time, and a famously generous biscuit allowance. Less emphasis is placed on the minor reality breaches, spontaneous tea-based alchemy, or the forms required when one accidentally splits the timeline before lunch.
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Internal Communications
OFFICIAL SECURITY NOTICE
This section is for employees of the Foundation of Anomalous Research and Theorising only.
Unauthorised access is strictly forbidden—unless, of course, we’ve accidentally left it unlocked (again), you’ve brought biscuits, you’re from a dimension where security is a suggestion, it’s Tuesday after 3pm (when access protocols experience scheduled quantum wobbles), or you’re holding a cup of Earl Grey (which, according to Vic’s latest hypothesis, possesses unusual permeability properties). Intruders will be issued Form 42-B: Stern Talking-To Regarding Dimensional Trespass and/or invited to the next tea break if they have compelling ideas about gravity’s unresolved emotional issues.
Internal Memos
These are the official memos that attempt—often in vain—to steer a steady course between what the institution demands and what physics will actually tolerate. Painstakingly formatted, redundantly initialled, and occasionally tea-stained, they form the procedural scaffolding for experiments that probably shouldn’t happen. All memos are filed under Protocol 27B/6, with severity levels ranging from “Mild Improbability” to “Existential Risk (Tea-Related).”
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Internal Emails
Our internal emails operate on principles not entirely dissimilar to quantum mechanics—messages exist in multiple states of urgency and clarity until opened. At this point, they’re usually neither. Each thread preserves the unmistakable voices of our researchers as they bicker, speculate, and occasionally stumble upon breakthroughs between tea breaks. Subject, of course, to the Email Uncertainty Principle: the more exclamation marks, the less it actually matters.
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Meeting Minutes
These are the temporal fossils of institutional gatherings, preserving chaotic discussions in amber-like bureaucratic formality. Each document maintains the illusion that our meetings follow logical progression while accurately documenting tea consumption metrics, biscuit depletion rates, and the statistically improbable moments when everyone briefly agreed on something.
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